M.E. Exposed

It’s hilarious to me how in just a few moments someone who looks really sexy could just become rapidly unsexy, just by doing something really uncool.  I can’t say I’m the king of cool because I’ve definitely Attraction-Squashed, and when it happens I am actually either dying with laughter on the inside or just a little embarrassed. 

Without sounding conceited, I’d like to think I’m not a butt ugly dude who looks like the Hunchback of Notre Dame (apologies if you find that look cute), but not even looks can save you in an attraction-squash.  Here are a few scenarios:

1. THE NAME SHOUT: So just last night I was out, and I was being introduced to a friend of a friend.  As we were about to be introduced she was giving me that cute smile, kinda like the ‘He could get it’ smile (cue Beyonce ‘Party’), but when my friend introduced me I couldn’t hear her name well.  So friend says, “This is Tammy (fake name)”, and I’m like, “Tabby!” *shouting over music*.  I lean to the girl and say “Tabby?”, and she says “No, Tammy”.  Of course I still can’t hear, but the part of me that likes to get names right pushes to ask again…I still can’t hear.  At this point homegirl is looking on me like I’m drunk, which I wasn’t but the ‘He could get it smile’ had definitely become a quizzical, ‘This dude is kinda weird’ look.  It’s never really cool to ask someone to repeat their name more than once.  This interaction had gone south…Attraction-Squashed.

2. ICE-EJECTION: My favourite of all would be the Ice-Ejection.  So I like to suck on ice when my drink is done, but what you should never do is talk with ice in your mouth, and I mean never.  Not even if you think the piece of ice is so small that it could never possibly become a missile from your mouth.  So you know exactly what happened next.  I decided to meet someone new while sucking on ice, and of course the ice projects from my mouth like I was a Zulu warrior on a mission.  Might as well I had my little darts with paralyzing poison at the tips…*Spits dart into neck.  Ties subject up.  Grabs subject by hair.  Carries subject to ME-cave* Maybe that would have looked cooler.  Epic fail.  The sad part is as that ice chip falls to the ground it’s like all time stops and everything is happening in slow motion.  Attraction definitely Squashed.  Don’t talk with ice in your mouth.  I’ve learned this the hard way.

3. RHYTHMLESS NATION: Who am I to judge the rhythmically challenged, but one thing I know is that I love to dance when I go out.  As I gradually mature into my 2-step, and quite unwillingly so, at least I can assure you that my 2-step still lands on the down beats of the song.  Nothing squashes attraction for a dancing machine like myself than a really cute girl who has no rhythm.  Say it ain’t so.  Well it’s really real, and there are many Jamaicans who cannot dance contrary to popular belief.  They fall into that category of non-weed smokers who don’t have locks and don’t listen to Bob Marley.  Since all of those things clearly define your Jamaicaness.  I digress.  No rhythm is not sexy…Attraction-Squash!

4. BREATH CHECK?:  Have you ever been hit by someone’s halitosis and they aren’t even near to you?  I throwup in my mouth just talking about it.  Please, please, please come out wid yu mout clean, an if yu breath bad, den buy some mints.  Damn, I’ll buy em for you.  Jus holla.  Bad breath = Immediate Attraction-Squash.

5. HAIR CHECK?: To the Jamaican women, and many other women, who are on this ‘if I bought my hair then it’s mine’ tip, that’s great.  Buy your weave.  Sew it in.  Make it look like it’s yours.  I get it.  I can handle all the ownership rights when good hurr money is spent, but you spent so much time getting human hair from India or from the best horses in the stable, couldn’t you take a little time to wash the darn thing??  So many times I’m in there dancing from the back, gettin’ it in (adopted from my living in the USA), and then my nose makes contact with the mane, and the mane smells like real mane.  For a moment I think I’m at the racetracks, but then I remember I’m dancing, and you definitely aren’t a horse, so I summon Garnier and Herbal Essences in my mind and hold my breath *Passes out from holding breath* j/k.  Stank hair is an Attraction-Squasher.

I could go in some more, but I will leave you with those for now.  Attraction-squashing is usually unintentional, but some clever and shameless ones attraction-squash because they really want to nip an interaction in the bud if you know what I mean.  Next time we talk bout dem deh.  

Until next time :D Follow M.E. somewhere - Facebook, Youtube, Twitter, or right here on Tumblr.  I kinda do a bunch a stuff and you will see it pasted all up in those places.  Oh and I have a website: http://www.marioevon.com.  Blessed love.